ER

Well, Friday was a difficult day. I started by actually going in to work. It was awesome, but after a couple of hours i was in too much pain. So i went home to rest and take some meds and all day the pain increased. It was awful! By early evening I was sobbing uncontrolably. I called my mom and since I rarely cry about physical pain she told me to get to the hospital. Since she was out of town as well as my boyfriend and most friends I feel comfortable asking, I called my wonderful Auntie L, and she took me in. I ended up staying there until 6 am! They did an ultra sound because they thought possibly one of my ovaries was twisted (!!!), and thank God it wasn't! However, they couldn't see the mass on it. I guess that suggests it is a cyst rather than something more solid, which is good, I think. Anyway, here I am, back at home waiting... I decided to spend this week at my parents' house. It is nice to have someone around to help me with things. I am really hoping my dr moves the surgery up when he gets the reports from the urologist and the ER tomorrow. I just want to be feeling healthy and vital very soon!

Here's to hoping for brighter days to come!

Something BIG.

OK, so I count this as good news. Today I saw the urologist. He looked at a CT scan of my kidneys and said that there are a few very small stones in each of my kidneys, but they are not large enough to treat or worry about. He says that the blood in my urine is likely from that. Next he did a cystoscopy (inserted a scope) on my bladder. He said my bladder looked healthy, but as we looked at the screen we noticed something quite large pushing into it. When I say large I mean something big enough that it wouldn't all fit on the screen. Yikes. SO, I am stoked because I just wanted them to FIND SOMETHING so we can FIX/REMOVE it!!! Thank the Lord they found something!!! On the other hand, it needs to be addressed and it would be nice to know what it is exactly. I don't have my pre-op appointment for my laparoscopy until April 1st. I have called my dr already to change that. I am really hoping and praying that he moves that up to tomorrow, perhaps, so we can get things moving along and I am not wasting another painful week in bed without any steps taken to get better.

**DEEP BREATH**

Trusting Jesus

Period.

Today I have another big confession. I have an intense, and I mean INTENSE fear and disgust with my period. I feel quite alone in this, so if you are in the same boat, please tell me! It started back when my period started in high school. I had learned in Health class that I needed a certain amount of body fat in order for my period to happen. So what did I think of when it came? Fat. The crazy thing is, I have always been thin. My family is thin and toned and so was (am) I. So this was crazy, but the blood also made me want to jump out of my skin! So I stopped eating and ran until my period went away. This did not take long. Since then, I have not had regular periods. The sad thing is, my doctors are quite sure that with all I have going on, getting pregnant will likely be a challenge. I try not no worry about this too much these days since it's not time for me to try yet. However, I am working on a more healthy outlook because let's face it, healthy periods are a part of "healthy womanhood" amd I need to learn to embrace it. I am getting older and this is important. What if down the road I am thirty years old and still crying when my period comes??? That is just plain ridiculous!! But, for now, it is what I feel like doing, and crazy or not, I am scared to death of it. That's just the truth of how I feel. Well, currently, I am on some hormones, and it is now the "time" for me to be expecting my period. I am in A LOT of pain, and I am scared!! I know in my head that I should be ecstatic if I start my period- it means my body is working and it's (possibly) fertile and things are looking up (maybe). But instead I am (legitimately) dreading the pain and already wondering if I have gained too much weight and even wondering how bad I want my health. I really have to work on this. I brought it up to my therapist yesterday but it didn't seem helpful. Ugh. I would love any thoughts or feedback on this.

Growing up pretty...

I had quite the interesting conversation with a close friend yesterday. It was so eye opening!! At some point I hope to be able to explain my heart on the matter eloquently, but here is my first shot:

We were discussing body image and womanhood. I have not yet disclosed this on my blog, but it is another quite significant part of who I am. I have battled anorexia for over 10 years now. Over the past year or so I have had a relapse and I am currently working my way back to a healthy weight. I argue to my boyfriend that my eating disorder is not about image. I say this because to me, it seems to be a coping mechanism, and unlike in my past, I do not usually view myself as being fat. I still cannot figure out why I will starve myself and think of my looks so much when I know I am thin. Well, my friend said to me yesterday, "It is hard not to think of your looks all the time when you 'grow up pretty.'" This statement really rang true to me. When I think back on my life, I have never thought of myself as much better looking than your average young woman, but since I can remember, people have remarked on my beauty and thin figure. I was always told I was beautiful and I had a "perfect body," once puberty hit. I was even voted "Best Physique'" by my high school senior class ten years ago. I mention this because I had a realization that I think of my looks so often because in some ways I have been "known for" my looks. It is not what I chose, it is what I was handed. I am not complaining nor am I boasting; this is just simple fact. So at times I am thinking, "what if I am not pretty anymore? what if I am no longer the thin one?"

I speak often about how I want to be known for my heart. For my kindness, integrity, generosity and loyal friendships. And I try to think that way, but those image thoughts continue to enter my head. This really helps me when  I think of possibly having the opportunity and blessing of raising a daughter someday. What if she's naturally beautiful and thin? What if she isn't? Well, either way, it is so imperative that I always compliment her heart and her attitude. It will be my responsibility to make sure he self worth is founded on how God sees her, and on how she sees herself from the inside out. This is something I am striving to work on and be concious of as I compliment others'.

What are your thoughts on this?

Blah, blah, bladder...

So, now there are some major bladder issues, apparently. I am way stressed and losing sleep over all of this mess. I guess there has been blood in my urine for the past few months (yes, I noticed, but my dr. didn't mention it). When I approached my dr about the issue yesterday she was alarmed and was clearly embarrassed and trying to make up for not mentioning it. She took yet another urine sample which had blood in it once again. She would like to rule out contamination. Again, I am not sure how it would be contaminated with blood several times when I am not menstruating or having sex, but now I will be having a catheter (yikes!!!) inserted into my bladder today to take the sample straight from my bladder. I don't know if any of you have done this but I had it done over 10 years ago, and I remember it VIVIDLY-total trauma!!!! So, today I will be loading up on the Percocet and having the most painful thing EVER! :( I will let you all know how it goes... It is just so hard not to worry. *frown*

Sweat!!

Ugh, so now I am experiencing some major hot flashes during the day and I am waking up at night with wet sheets and hair- literally, wet. What the heck is that all about?? The pain has been terrible last night and this morning. I have come in to work for a couple of hours and then it's back home and to the hot bath with lavendar epsom salts and my bed! I am really getting sick of this! It sucks so bad. :( I will be seeing my gyn tomorrow, but I am not feeling very hopeful for answers. I am just hoping she can write me a script for something that will actually relieve the pain! I don't even expect to be out of pain completely, but even a low level of ability to function outside of bed would be great. I wish I could figure out what all of this sweating is about... it's gross and it's giving me anxiety.

The BATH!!

I found a new love!! The bathtub!! Oh my gosh, it has never felt better! For the past three days the hot bath has relieved my pain (temporarily). If I could move into the hot bath and bring waterproof books, my phone, movies and pillows, I would stay in there constantly! I recommend this for anyone who is suffering. It hasn't been this way in the past but this week for some reason the bath has worked miracles for me!!

Ahhhhh :)

PT Details as Promised

In a recent post I said that I would be beginning PT (physical therapy) for my pelvic floor issues this week. Since I was not able to find much information on what these appointments would include in detail, I promised I would write details of my appointment for anyone who may have the same question at some point. My PT has a private office where we discussed my health history, and specifics related to my pelvic pain. In that respect it was similar to a first visit with any new medical provider. After that she did a great job explaining the pelvic floor. She used a model of the pelvic bone and pelvic floor muscles on a woman and gave me a short anatomy and physiology tutorial (I love those by the way). She really knew her stuff!  Anyway, of course, next I was given “the sheet” and asked to undress from the waist down and put my feet up! I don’t think I will ever get used to that. She said that she would be inserting a finger and touching my “trigger points.” She would go around like a clock, 12:00, 1:00, 2:00…. Stopping at each point to see how tense the muscle was and to help relax the muscle by applying some pressure. Next she lubed her finger, inserted it and did just what she described. Luckily I was comfortable with her. It turns out that even she was surprised at how tight I was and just how tense each of my trigger points were. So she only touched every other one today. She helped me work on some breathing techniques, and I would say this was the most helpful part, because together we could tell when I was consciously relaxing, which will help me practice relaxing my pelvic floor at home. After that was done (and I was in a lot of pain) she set me up with a block under my knees and put a heating pad on my pelvic area and another between my legs. I had heat for 20 minutes and went home! I can see how this will be helpful, I just hope future appointments aren’t this painful. One piece of advice I have is, make sure you go to someone you have gotten a referral from and that you feel comfortable when you meet them. The sessions are quite intimate, and as far as I know, we will be doing trigger points at each one. It would be absolutely horrific if I was with someone who creeped me out!

Good luck!

OUCH!!

So I woke today feeling extremely hopeful this morning! It was the third morning in a row that I woke up in less than moderate pain in weeks. I am supposed to be running an 8k in the Shamrock Run this coming weekend and I have not been running in 5 weeks (yikes)!! I was really excited to get back to it this afternoon, however, here I am, at the end of my workday in a whole lot of pain. I don't know what it is, but sitting straight up in a chair just KILLS me by the end of the day! Does anyone else experience this??? It's like there is a knife stabbing through my pelvis. I can't take it. I guess the running shoes will have to wait for tomorrow (sigh). Time to get home to my bed and heating pad [insert swear word here] I am sooo disappointed.

Mystery Therapy

Wednesday morning I will have my first physical therapy appointment. When I saw a specialist 2 weeks ago, he concluded that I certainly have PCOS, but luckily, I do not have the metabolic symptoms (weight gain, high blood pressure). He also determined that my pelvic floor muscles are EXTREMELY tight (vaginismus), thus, I am having constant involuntary contractions. He said this could also be related to a history of trauma and he noted that it's a positive step that I am working through that in therapy. The plan is that I will go to weekly physical therapy and if there is not a drastic improvement in my pain over the next 4-6 weeks, he will perform a laparoscopy (finally). I have been in so much pain lately that I have begged my general gyno to do one, but she refuses since I had one 6 years ago that provided no answers. However, this doctor told me that he can tell from looking at my incision scars that there was no way they were able to see everything from where they entered the scopes before (swear word), so since he does them routinely he is confident that if there is something going wrong in there he will find it. Wow, I just wanted to hug him! It felt soooo good to have a doctor give me some actual answers and directions rather than throwing hormones and pain pills at me. I am so curious (and a little nervous) to see what this physical therapy is like. I am sure it will be a little awkward. I promise to post as many details as possible for those of you who may face this unknown in the future. It is really not something that's talked about.... Wish me luck!

Background

I am 27 years old and I have been battling chronic pelvic pain for roughly eight years. It has been a long road of seeing several specialists, trying different interventions and medications and even a surgery in there a few years ago.


This past year has been especially difficult as far as painful "flare-ups." However, I have hooked up with an amazing naturopathic doctor (email me for name) and as I have not been too impressed with my general gynecologists, I have found someone outside of my insurance who is also quite impressive. I just had my first appointment with him and he has some ideas that we will be exploring over the next several weeks.

The working diagnoses at this point are:

Hypothalamic Amenorrhea- recently ruled out with Provera/Progestin Challenge
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)
Endometriosis- 2nd excision lap 4/10
Vaginismus/Pelvic Floor Dysfunction
Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)
Inflammatory Bowel Disease (looking into which one)- 5/10

I will add more information as time permits. Please feel free to email me at hopeforhealing11@gmail.com. or leave a comment.