Period.

Well, my last period was November 2008. Yesterday I {think} started my period. I've blogged on here before about my struggles with my period. It has been a driving force behind my eating disorder. I know that sounds weird, but once I learned in school that you had to have a certain amount of body fat in order to have periods, my goal was to not have one. When I finally started my period in high school, I thought it meant I was fat {no, I do not think all the women in my life who have periods, are fat}. I would starve myself until my periods went away. Well, I'm doing much better in the food and weight areas of my life, but I must admit that I see an obese version of myself in the mirror since I started my period yesterday. I feel like such a freak.

I am just spotting right now, but the pain I'm experiencing feels like I should be bleeding much more. This pain is absolutely excruciating! I am even more attached to my heating pad than usual, and drinking lots of chamomile and lavendar tea. Last night i would wake up every two hours, which was right as my pain meds would begin to wear off. But even with the pain, I am choosing to embrace my womanhood. At 28 years of age, although I could probably count on two hands how many periods I have had, I need to embrace it. I need to love my body completely. God made me a woman and I choose to be grateful for that. I also strongly believe in mind/body/spirit connection. I cannot loathe my body and the parts/functions that make my body a woman, and expect not to be in pain. So as I experience this, I am staying in prayer and asking the Lord to help me through it.

Well, there's my vulnerability for today. Call me crazy, but this is me. These are my struggles and I choose to gently love myself through them. *Exhale*

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Period.

Today I have another big confession. I have an intense, and I mean INTENSE fear and disgust with my period. I feel quite alone in this, so if you are in the same boat, please tell me! It started back when my period started in high school. I had learned in Health class that I needed a certain amount of body fat in order for my period to happen. So what did I think of when it came? Fat. The crazy thing is, I have always been thin. My family is thin and toned and so was (am) I. So this was crazy, but the blood also made me want to jump out of my skin! So I stopped eating and ran until my period went away. This did not take long. Since then, I have not had regular periods. The sad thing is, my doctors are quite sure that with all I have going on, getting pregnant will likely be a challenge. I try not no worry about this too much these days since it's not time for me to try yet. However, I am working on a more healthy outlook because let's face it, healthy periods are a part of "healthy womanhood" amd I need to learn to embrace it. I am getting older and this is important. What if down the road I am thirty years old and still crying when my period comes??? That is just plain ridiculous!! But, for now, it is what I feel like doing, and crazy or not, I am scared to death of it. That's just the truth of how I feel. Well, currently, I am on some hormones, and it is now the "time" for me to be expecting my period. I am in A LOT of pain, and I am scared!! I know in my head that I should be ecstatic if I start my period- it means my body is working and it's (possibly) fertile and things are looking up (maybe). But instead I am (legitimately) dreading the pain and already wondering if I have gained too much weight and even wondering how bad I want my health. I really have to work on this. I brought it up to my therapist yesterday but it didn't seem helpful. Ugh. I would love any thoughts or feedback on this.

Growing up pretty...

I had quite the interesting conversation with a close friend yesterday. It was so eye opening!! At some point I hope to be able to explain my heart on the matter eloquently, but here is my first shot:

We were discussing body image and womanhood. I have not yet disclosed this on my blog, but it is another quite significant part of who I am. I have battled anorexia for over 10 years now. Over the past year or so I have had a relapse and I am currently working my way back to a healthy weight. I argue to my boyfriend that my eating disorder is not about image. I say this because to me, it seems to be a coping mechanism, and unlike in my past, I do not usually view myself as being fat. I still cannot figure out why I will starve myself and think of my looks so much when I know I am thin. Well, my friend said to me yesterday, "It is hard not to think of your looks all the time when you 'grow up pretty.'" This statement really rang true to me. When I think back on my life, I have never thought of myself as much better looking than your average young woman, but since I can remember, people have remarked on my beauty and thin figure. I was always told I was beautiful and I had a "perfect body," once puberty hit. I was even voted "Best Physique'" by my high school senior class ten years ago. I mention this because I had a realization that I think of my looks so often because in some ways I have been "known for" my looks. It is not what I chose, it is what I was handed. I am not complaining nor am I boasting; this is just simple fact. So at times I am thinking, "what if I am not pretty anymore? what if I am no longer the thin one?"

I speak often about how I want to be known for my heart. For my kindness, integrity, generosity and loyal friendships. And I try to think that way, but those image thoughts continue to enter my head. This really helps me when  I think of possibly having the opportunity and blessing of raising a daughter someday. What if she's naturally beautiful and thin? What if she isn't? Well, either way, it is so imperative that I always compliment her heart and her attitude. It will be my responsibility to make sure he self worth is founded on how God sees her, and on how she sees herself from the inside out. This is something I am striving to work on and be concious of as I compliment others'.

What are your thoughts on this?