Time

Today I am thankful for time. I know it may sound like a strange thing to be thankful for, but I was talking to my best friend today about this year. Coming to terms with my illness this year has been a major process. It has evolved over time. I went from being so hopeful before my surgery, when I was just certain it would have me healed up and back to normal in no time, to after that feeling defeated and frustrated and pissed off, to denial. I feel as though I have experienced a sort of grief process. I have had to grieve my "old normal,' and learn to define my "new normal." I feel that time as well as the supports in my life, and even my job, which was the driving force behind me having no choice but to come to terms with the fact that my life is just not the same anymore- has given me the opportunity to define my "new normal." Some things I have had trouble accepting are: there may never be a clear cut answer to what's wrong, I may need long term medications for pain management, I am not going to be able to maintain the activity level I once did, it may be some time before I will work full-time, and many more. But I am getting there. I am learning to cope. I am learning not to shut others out when I feel lousy. I am learning that even with my "new normal," I deserve to be loved and cherished, and that I will still find a mate who God will give the ability and desire to partner in this journey with me. I am learning that my struggles can be someone else's blessing if I approach them with grace. As I realize how far I have come in this battle with chronis illness, I smile. I am amazed at what the Lord has and will continue to bring me through. What an incredible journey!

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