Numb

I don't know why, or exactly how to explain, but today I feel numb. I feel completely void of emotions for some reason. My sweet, wonderful boyfriend came over for the afternoon and he was so happy to see me. I feel bad because I think I was happy to see him too, but I couldn't feel it. Maybe it's the pain meds. Maybe it's the pain. I am not quite sure but I just don't feel like me. I guess since my health has been so bad the past few months I feel this way often. And then guilt kicks in. I begin to feel guilty because I am not a good friend, girlfriend, sister, daughter or employee. That's all for now. :/

I <3 Coloring!

I love to whip out the books and crayons when I'm feeling yucky! Try it sometime! :)

Blogger Alias

Well, I do have 2 blogs. One is open and friends and family know about it and follow it. This one is "anonymous." I do this because I write about some of my innermost thoughts, feelings and experiences that I dont share as openly. However, after finding this blogging community of sorts, I am really loving the support, feedback and exchanging of info about the harships of endo, pelvic pain, faith and other difficulties we face as women. I am trying to think of something to name myself. It may sound cheesy but I have seen others do it and I actually think it's kinda cool! Haha. So I am trying to think of something... let me know if you have ideas.

***TMI ALERT*** My recent GI issues. :(

Now, rather than my pelvic pain being all related to my female organs and endo, I have some severe GI issues going on. It has been miserable to go through. Specifically, with constipation. I have had issues with it on and off for about 20 years... I had seen different specialists over the years, and recently had my 2nd lap, which included removal of endo from rectal tissue. Now I am dealing with SEVERE constipation. I spent 3 days in the hospital last week, and I was released last Saturday. There was about 5 lbs of rock hard stool in me and it took them 3 days to get me to pass it. :( Now I am taking Miralax drinks, Senna, stool softeners and fiber supplements. I feel so exhausted because I am having intermittent diarrhea, but the doctors don't want me to let up yet. When I go #2 it is SO PAINFUL even if it's "loose." It sucks- I start shaking and sweating and I have to push forever no matter how much and how soft or hard it is. Sorry for all the yucky details, but I am so embarrassed and IN SO MUCH PAIN. Now the docs don't know if it is more endo or an inflammatory bowel disease such as Chron's. We have to wait a little longer to check because everything is so inflamed. I feel like I'm in hell. :( In the next two weeks or so I will see a GI specialist who will be able to help sort this out. My body is such a mess and now I am constantly obsessing over when I last "went" and when I will "go" again. UGH. I just want to be well again.

ICLW May- 15 Things About ME! :)

1. I want to be a mommy. I want to be pregnant with that darling, kicking belly and experience the joy and pains of delivery and nurture and love my children through their lives.

2. I want to live in China for at least a year at some point. And work at Bethel, the orphanage for blind children there.

3. I want to be PAIN-FREE! some background

4. I want to start running regularly again. I want my pain level to get low enough that I can run and run and run... I miss it.

5. I have a wonderful boyfriend, but soon I will be ready to enjoy the challenge of marriage. Also, secretly, I hate sleeping alone (we are waiting until marriage), so I can't wait to snuggle all night with my hubby someday.

6. I am a hard worker. Kind of a perfectionist. I expect a lot of myself, so being so ill and in pain life has been rough for me. I feel worthless often these days.

7. On the flip side of #6, I have to constantly remind myself that my purpose in life is living to love and serve Jesus Christ. Which means, to love and serve others. I am really challenging myself to choose JOY each day whether it is spend all day in bed in pain, or at work helping others.

8. I think romantic love can be so complicated and confusing at times, but it can also be worth it.

9. I trust easily. I immediately see good in each person and I am learning that some people just aren't good. It sounds naiive, but I am trying to be more careful without losing the part of me that gives others the benefit of the doubt.

10. I have grown up "thin and pretty"- whether I have believed it or not, I have heard it from others. I am constantly trying to focus inward on how "pretty" my heart is each day. I hope to teach that principle to a daughter in the future. Inward thoughts and actions and integrity are so much more worth focusing on and "beautifying" than outward looks. my post about this here

11. Still, no matter how much I focus on my heart I will ALWAYS envy those with extra long and thick eye lashes!! Haha. I want them SO BADLY!!

12. I can be quite an introvert. Sometimes I think if I were locked in my apartment for a week all alone but had some good books, movies and dark chocolate, I might be just fine.

13. I do really love my friends and family though. I have been blessed with some wonderful people in my life.

14. The beauty of God's grace overwhelms me. It makes life not fair, but that's the beauty of it.

15. I LOVE SUNSHINE!!! I wish I could have a full-time job where I am required to lay out in my suit eating cold strawberries and drinking filtered water.

Welcome to my blog, everyone!! :)

I had a hospital stay last weekend. Maybe I will post about it tomorrow. I wanted to kick off ICLW with a happy note!

***Hugs***

Facebook Support Group

I joined a Facebook group a couple weeks ago that is all women and it is basically a support group for those with Endometriosis!! It has been SO HELPFUL to go and vent frustrations and have so many others who know exactly what you are going through. I have found it to be really helpful when I am feeling lonely or down. And it also feels great to be able to help others and respond to some of their posts. Just wanted to spread the word on this community.