Period.

Well, my last period was November 2008. Yesterday I {think} started my period. I've blogged on here before about my struggles with my period. It has been a driving force behind my eating disorder. I know that sounds weird, but once I learned in school that you had to have a certain amount of body fat in order to have periods, my goal was to not have one. When I finally started my period in high school, I thought it meant I was fat {no, I do not think all the women in my life who have periods, are fat}. I would starve myself until my periods went away. Well, I'm doing much better in the food and weight areas of my life, but I must admit that I see an obese version of myself in the mirror since I started my period yesterday. I feel like such a freak.

I am just spotting right now, but the pain I'm experiencing feels like I should be bleeding much more. This pain is absolutely excruciating! I am even more attached to my heating pad than usual, and drinking lots of chamomile and lavendar tea. Last night i would wake up every two hours, which was right as my pain meds would begin to wear off. But even with the pain, I am choosing to embrace my womanhood. At 28 years of age, although I could probably count on two hands how many periods I have had, I need to embrace it. I need to love my body completely. God made me a woman and I choose to be grateful for that. I also strongly believe in mind/body/spirit connection. I cannot loathe my body and the parts/functions that make my body a woman, and expect not to be in pain. So as I experience this, I am staying in prayer and asking the Lord to help me through it.

Well, there's my vulnerability for today. Call me crazy, but this is me. These are my struggles and I choose to gently love myself through them. *Exhale*

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Time

Today I am thankful for time. I know it may sound like a strange thing to be thankful for, but I was talking to my best friend today about this year. Coming to terms with my illness this year has been a major process. It has evolved over time. I went from being so hopeful before my surgery, when I was just certain it would have me healed up and back to normal in no time, to after that feeling defeated and frustrated and pissed off, to denial. I feel as though I have experienced a sort of grief process. I have had to grieve my "old normal,' and learn to define my "new normal." I feel that time as well as the supports in my life, and even my job, which was the driving force behind me having no choice but to come to terms with the fact that my life is just not the same anymore- has given me the opportunity to define my "new normal." Some things I have had trouble accepting are: there may never be a clear cut answer to what's wrong, I may need long term medications for pain management, I am not going to be able to maintain the activity level I once did, it may be some time before I will work full-time, and many more. But I am getting there. I am learning to cope. I am learning not to shut others out when I feel lousy. I am learning that even with my "new normal," I deserve to be loved and cherished, and that I will still find a mate who God will give the ability and desire to partner in this journey with me. I am learning that my struggles can be someone else's blessing if I approach them with grace. As I realize how far I have come in this battle with chronis illness, I smile. I am amazed at what the Lord has and will continue to bring me through. What an incredible journey!

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Beauty

Im admiring my beautiful view of the city today!

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GI Stuff & My Lifestyle Change

***This post contains TMI****

So, now that you have been fairly warned, I will tell you about some good news today.
Part of the reason I am living with this new, quite restrictive food plan, is because of my painful BMs (bowel movements). When I did this food plan before I had lost too much weight and had to quit, but it really improved my quality of life in terms of not wanting to crawl in a hole and die due to the hours of excruciating pain that followed each BM. It was truly a nightmare. Anyway, the good news of today is that I had one this morning and it hurt, but not nearly as bad!! I can't believe it!! Sooo exciting!!

On another good note, I had an appointment with the pain clinic yesterday. I have to say, I was quite nervous. I was nervous about many things: being seen as a "pill seeker," having a provider that didn't seem to care, hear or want to understand what I am going through, etc. Well, none of the above happened!! I am STOKED that the NP I saw there, was super kind, attentive, empathetic, competent, thorough and had a hollistic approach, which is an awesome added plus! We decided on the Lidoderm Patch, Oxycodone (test to see how many I need per day, and then decide if I should try something long-acting-which scares me), and Gabapentin/Neurontin. Soooo, I guess we will see how this new plan goes!!

Wish me luck!