Grief

Does anyone else find themselves going through a sort of grief process with endo?? I'm really missing "the good days," when I made plans with friends and kept my word, when I went to work over 40 hours a week and still had the energy to run and keep my body in perfect shape, having extra money to spend on cute shoes and clothes instead of medical bills, not having to worry about how many pain meds I took yesterday, not being on a constant emotional roller coaster, thus keeping my loved ones on one too, as they walk on eggshells not knowing what's going to bring me to tears... and the list goes on and on and on... chronic illness is not fun. I try to remain hopeful, but today I just don't have it. I miss the good days.

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UGH!!!

OMG, I just really need to vent right now! I feel like CRAP today! I had a weekend of trying to relieve myself of a week's worth of constipation- now that problem is "fixed," but I barely slept last night and I am in SO MUCH PAIN today, at work, and running out of pain meds. I am STILL waiting on some blood work so I can figure out why I am so damn tired all the time, why my scalp is flaking off, why my skin is so oily it's disgusting!! This is definitely one of those days where endometriosis is kicking my ass and I'm just too tired to fight back. I am trying to find a specialist in my area because I am just not pleased with my doctors currently. This is so stressful!!

Sorry, ICLW!

I didn't do a very good job keeping up this time. I just had a lot of personal and medical stuff going on and got too distracted. :(

Numb

I don't know why, or exactly how to explain, but today I feel numb. I feel completely void of emotions for some reason. My sweet, wonderful boyfriend came over for the afternoon and he was so happy to see me. I feel bad because I think I was happy to see him too, but I couldn't feel it. Maybe it's the pain meds. Maybe it's the pain. I am not quite sure but I just don't feel like me. I guess since my health has been so bad the past few months I feel this way often. And then guilt kicks in. I begin to feel guilty because I am not a good friend, girlfriend, sister, daughter or employee. That's all for now. :/

ICLW May- 15 Things About ME! :)

1. I want to be a mommy. I want to be pregnant with that darling, kicking belly and experience the joy and pains of delivery and nurture and love my children through their lives.

2. I want to live in China for at least a year at some point. And work at Bethel, the orphanage for blind children there.

3. I want to be PAIN-FREE! some background

4. I want to start running regularly again. I want my pain level to get low enough that I can run and run and run... I miss it.

5. I have a wonderful boyfriend, but soon I will be ready to enjoy the challenge of marriage. Also, secretly, I hate sleeping alone (we are waiting until marriage), so I can't wait to snuggle all night with my hubby someday.

6. I am a hard worker. Kind of a perfectionist. I expect a lot of myself, so being so ill and in pain life has been rough for me. I feel worthless often these days.

7. On the flip side of #6, I have to constantly remind myself that my purpose in life is living to love and serve Jesus Christ. Which means, to love and serve others. I am really challenging myself to choose JOY each day whether it is spend all day in bed in pain, or at work helping others.

8. I think romantic love can be so complicated and confusing at times, but it can also be worth it.

9. I trust easily. I immediately see good in each person and I am learning that some people just aren't good. It sounds naiive, but I am trying to be more careful without losing the part of me that gives others the benefit of the doubt.

10. I have grown up "thin and pretty"- whether I have believed it or not, I have heard it from others. I am constantly trying to focus inward on how "pretty" my heart is each day. I hope to teach that principle to a daughter in the future. Inward thoughts and actions and integrity are so much more worth focusing on and "beautifying" than outward looks. my post about this here

11. Still, no matter how much I focus on my heart I will ALWAYS envy those with extra long and thick eye lashes!! Haha. I want them SO BADLY!!

12. I can be quite an introvert. Sometimes I think if I were locked in my apartment for a week all alone but had some good books, movies and dark chocolate, I might be just fine.

13. I do really love my friends and family though. I have been blessed with some wonderful people in my life.

14. The beauty of God's grace overwhelms me. It makes life not fair, but that's the beauty of it.

15. I LOVE SUNSHINE!!! I wish I could have a full-time job where I am required to lay out in my suit eating cold strawberries and drinking filtered water.

Welcome to my blog, everyone!! :)

I had a hospital stay last weekend. Maybe I will post about it tomorrow. I wanted to kick off ICLW with a happy note!

***Hugs***

Joy!

Well, I am 4 days post lap today. Yesterday I was honestly getting a little nervous that something was wrong because I was in excruciating pain and I thought I should be healing faster. However, this morning of course I was still feeling pain, but more soreness. And I have been very constipated so I decided to go and get some apples at the store. I successfully took a walk around the block to the store! Oh, the things we take for granted, right!? I actually got to enjoy the sunshine and blue skies and a little walk to one of my favorite little organic markets. It was brilliant. Hopefully I am on the road to better days! Thank you, Jesus, for the beautiful outdoors and the ability to walk! :)

Fighting Anxiety...

First of all, I must say that I have an awesome surgeon/gyn. He has a holistic view of medicine and deep down I can trust him. Anyway, with all of this pain I have been really putting my faith in the laparoscopy. Each day I tell myself that the surgery will make it all better. Well, Dr. R. snapped me back into reality!! *sad face* I am grateful that he is realistic but it really shattered my dreams of being cured next week! During my pre-op appointment today he told me that we can hope they find something they can fix, but even if they do, I may not be out of pain. He also warned that it is also likely they won't find anything to remove and that's when I nearly burried my head in my lap and cried. I know it's common sense that laparoscopic surgery is not always curative, but I guess it's just been what I could hold on to to get me through. And now I don't know what to grasp. Yes, I am a Christian, and I do trust the Lord, but I am also pretty down to earth, and I can easily admit that my faith is faulty at times. It is so hard to trust God when He's really just not that tangible... I guess it is something to work through during these Percocet filled days...

Period.

Today I have another big confession. I have an intense, and I mean INTENSE fear and disgust with my period. I feel quite alone in this, so if you are in the same boat, please tell me! It started back when my period started in high school. I had learned in Health class that I needed a certain amount of body fat in order for my period to happen. So what did I think of when it came? Fat. The crazy thing is, I have always been thin. My family is thin and toned and so was (am) I. So this was crazy, but the blood also made me want to jump out of my skin! So I stopped eating and ran until my period went away. This did not take long. Since then, I have not had regular periods. The sad thing is, my doctors are quite sure that with all I have going on, getting pregnant will likely be a challenge. I try not no worry about this too much these days since it's not time for me to try yet. However, I am working on a more healthy outlook because let's face it, healthy periods are a part of "healthy womanhood" amd I need to learn to embrace it. I am getting older and this is important. What if down the road I am thirty years old and still crying when my period comes??? That is just plain ridiculous!! But, for now, it is what I feel like doing, and crazy or not, I am scared to death of it. That's just the truth of how I feel. Well, currently, I am on some hormones, and it is now the "time" for me to be expecting my period. I am in A LOT of pain, and I am scared!! I know in my head that I should be ecstatic if I start my period- it means my body is working and it's (possibly) fertile and things are looking up (maybe). But instead I am (legitimately) dreading the pain and already wondering if I have gained too much weight and even wondering how bad I want my health. I really have to work on this. I brought it up to my therapist yesterday but it didn't seem helpful. Ugh. I would love any thoughts or feedback on this.

Growing up pretty...

I had quite the interesting conversation with a close friend yesterday. It was so eye opening!! At some point I hope to be able to explain my heart on the matter eloquently, but here is my first shot:

We were discussing body image and womanhood. I have not yet disclosed this on my blog, but it is another quite significant part of who I am. I have battled anorexia for over 10 years now. Over the past year or so I have had a relapse and I am currently working my way back to a healthy weight. I argue to my boyfriend that my eating disorder is not about image. I say this because to me, it seems to be a coping mechanism, and unlike in my past, I do not usually view myself as being fat. I still cannot figure out why I will starve myself and think of my looks so much when I know I am thin. Well, my friend said to me yesterday, "It is hard not to think of your looks all the time when you 'grow up pretty.'" This statement really rang true to me. When I think back on my life, I have never thought of myself as much better looking than your average young woman, but since I can remember, people have remarked on my beauty and thin figure. I was always told I was beautiful and I had a "perfect body," once puberty hit. I was even voted "Best Physique'" by my high school senior class ten years ago. I mention this because I had a realization that I think of my looks so often because in some ways I have been "known for" my looks. It is not what I chose, it is what I was handed. I am not complaining nor am I boasting; this is just simple fact. So at times I am thinking, "what if I am not pretty anymore? what if I am no longer the thin one?"

I speak often about how I want to be known for my heart. For my kindness, integrity, generosity and loyal friendships. And I try to think that way, but those image thoughts continue to enter my head. This really helps me when  I think of possibly having the opportunity and blessing of raising a daughter someday. What if she's naturally beautiful and thin? What if she isn't? Well, either way, it is so imperative that I always compliment her heart and her attitude. It will be my responsibility to make sure he self worth is founded on how God sees her, and on how she sees herself from the inside out. This is something I am striving to work on and be concious of as I compliment others'.

What are your thoughts on this?