Period.

Well, my last period was November 2008. Yesterday I {think} started my period. I've blogged on here before about my struggles with my period. It has been a driving force behind my eating disorder. I know that sounds weird, but once I learned in school that you had to have a certain amount of body fat in order to have periods, my goal was to not have one. When I finally started my period in high school, I thought it meant I was fat {no, I do not think all the women in my life who have periods, are fat}. I would starve myself until my periods went away. Well, I'm doing much better in the food and weight areas of my life, but I must admit that I see an obese version of myself in the mirror since I started my period yesterday. I feel like such a freak.

I am just spotting right now, but the pain I'm experiencing feels like I should be bleeding much more. This pain is absolutely excruciating! I am even more attached to my heating pad than usual, and drinking lots of chamomile and lavendar tea. Last night i would wake up every two hours, which was right as my pain meds would begin to wear off. But even with the pain, I am choosing to embrace my womanhood. At 28 years of age, although I could probably count on two hands how many periods I have had, I need to embrace it. I need to love my body completely. God made me a woman and I choose to be grateful for that. I also strongly believe in mind/body/spirit connection. I cannot loathe my body and the parts/functions that make my body a woman, and expect not to be in pain. So as I experience this, I am staying in prayer and asking the Lord to help me through it.

Well, there's my vulnerability for today. Call me crazy, but this is me. These are my struggles and I choose to gently love myself through them. *Exhale*

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Time

Today I am thankful for time. I know it may sound like a strange thing to be thankful for, but I was talking to my best friend today about this year. Coming to terms with my illness this year has been a major process. It has evolved over time. I went from being so hopeful before my surgery, when I was just certain it would have me healed up and back to normal in no time, to after that feeling defeated and frustrated and pissed off, to denial. I feel as though I have experienced a sort of grief process. I have had to grieve my "old normal,' and learn to define my "new normal." I feel that time as well as the supports in my life, and even my job, which was the driving force behind me having no choice but to come to terms with the fact that my life is just not the same anymore- has given me the opportunity to define my "new normal." Some things I have had trouble accepting are: there may never be a clear cut answer to what's wrong, I may need long term medications for pain management, I am not going to be able to maintain the activity level I once did, it may be some time before I will work full-time, and many more. But I am getting there. I am learning to cope. I am learning not to shut others out when I feel lousy. I am learning that even with my "new normal," I deserve to be loved and cherished, and that I will still find a mate who God will give the ability and desire to partner in this journey with me. I am learning that my struggles can be someone else's blessing if I approach them with grace. As I realize how far I have come in this battle with chronis illness, I smile. I am amazed at what the Lord has and will continue to bring me through. What an incredible journey!

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Beauty

Im admiring my beautiful view of the city today!

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GI Stuff & My Lifestyle Change

***This post contains TMI****

So, now that you have been fairly warned, I will tell you about some good news today.
Part of the reason I am living with this new, quite restrictive food plan, is because of my painful BMs (bowel movements). When I did this food plan before I had lost too much weight and had to quit, but it really improved my quality of life in terms of not wanting to crawl in a hole and die due to the hours of excruciating pain that followed each BM. It was truly a nightmare. Anyway, the good news of today is that I had one this morning and it hurt, but not nearly as bad!! I can't believe it!! Sooo exciting!!

On another good note, I had an appointment with the pain clinic yesterday. I have to say, I was quite nervous. I was nervous about many things: being seen as a "pill seeker," having a provider that didn't seem to care, hear or want to understand what I am going through, etc. Well, none of the above happened!! I am STOKED that the NP I saw there, was super kind, attentive, empathetic, competent, thorough and had a hollistic approach, which is an awesome added plus! We decided on the Lidoderm Patch, Oxycodone (test to see how many I need per day, and then decide if I should try something long-acting-which scares me), and Gabapentin/Neurontin. Soooo, I guess we will see how this new plan goes!!

Wish me luck!

Yoga & Diet Update

So, months ago I purchased, "Yoga Meltdown with Jillian Michaels," on Amazon {which by the way, I am a bit obsessed with the bargains there-click here to buy}. I have always been an athlete and this year it has been really depressing for me as I've become quite sedentary due to the pain. Also, I have always had a great figure. My body has always been lean and toned, and I have been noticing my composition shifting to less tone and more body fat. It has been very difficult! Call me vain, but it's important to me to stay lean and toned and quite honestly it matters to me. Anyway, luckily I'm blessed with great genes {thanks God and Mom!} so laying around hasn't effected me as much as it would some, but ok, I'm rambling... I finally put the dvd in yesterday afternoon and had a FAB-U-LOUS workout! It was great, low impact, and I survived it! I have never been a huge fan of work out videos- they tend to be really cheesy, but this was a good one! I am really excited about this! I am quite sore today, so that on top of the pain, is rough, but sore means progress, so I'll take it *smiles* I am going to do the work out every other day and continue stretching in between. I just really don't want to let my body go completely, and I want to do as much as possible for my personal wellness! Yay for Yoga and yay for self-confidence!

As for the diet, it's going well. A little review... here is what it consists of:

*no gluten/wheat

*no dairy

*no sugar

*limit soy

*no caffiene

*organic meats only

As you can see, this diet is quite intense! It can be difficult to follow without letting myself lose too much weight. I really think I need to stick to it as a new lifestyle since it helped my GI issues so much before, but I can't compromise my health in other ways either. I am trying to eat lots of nuts and avocado since I'm already down 5 pounds {the weight part is tricky for me as I have a hx of anorexia- I have to find a balance of sticking to this but not obsessing}. Anyway, some things I am enjoying are:

*guacamole- I grab a nice ripe avocado and mash it with my favorite fresh, organic salsa. Yum! Then dip with O (organic) blue corn chips. Delish

*Alexia All Natural Oven Fries- you can find them in the O frozen section at the grocery store. I love the garlic, rosemary, olive oil flavor. Since I cant eat bread, I bake the fries and dip them in eeoo and balsamic vinegar. Sooo good! And the olive oil provides some extra calories.


Yay for wellness.

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2 things that made me smile

1. My brand new heating pad!! I use heating pads all the time. I need them at work, at home... always for the pain. My old one was literally falling apart, thus becoming a fire hazard. Ha.

2. This kit I received in the mail. It is for Endometriosis research. I will add the link about it later. It's exciting for me because I want to help find a cure.

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I HEART RESIDENTS!!

WOW, WOW!!

So, I just had a dr appointment today, and can I say again that I LOOOOOVE medical students/residents??! They tend to be so incredibly eager and I love that! Of course, we didn't get to the bottom of what is going on in this lovely body of mine, but she actually asked some critical questions and believe it or not, seemed interested (imagine that!) in what the issue is and why I am barely functioning with all of this pain! It was just encouraging to actually see a provider that is excited about her job and rather than being completely intimidated about my condition, she was interested in helping.

She didn't assume I was looking for pills- she knows I want answers and I want more than anything, to experience and FULL LIFE!! :)

So, anyway, that's my good news of the day. :)

Welcome, ICLW!

Welcome to my blog! I am a 28 year old woman battling chronic pelvic/low back pain. I have endo and major GI issues, and some things with my pain don't all seem to add up to just endo. I guess you could say I am a complicated "medical mystery." This pain issue has taken over my life. I used to be an avid runner and just overall an active person in general. This year has been quite sedentary and I am on intermittent FMLA at work. My situation can be depressing at times, but my trust and faith in Jesus, and my support from my awesome friends and family keeps me going! I am SO blessed by how loved I am! Well, that's all for now. I am on my way to the dr right now.

Hugs!

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Mirena??

On my way to the dr to talk about Mirena IUD as a possible tx for the endo... I am not so sure about it...

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Diet

So, I have started a diet similar to the "Endo Diet." This is actually something my naturopath put me on a couple of years ago. It really helped me with my GI issues, and I wasn't struggling with the pain so badly. The problem with it was, I lost WAAYYY too much weight and it got me into some old cycles that were not healthy. Well, now I am back into my "healthy" weight range, and I want to start it up again. So I am doing:

No wheat/gluten

No dairy

No sugar

Limit soy

Organic meats

So far it's going quite well. I think I have been on it for about 3 weeks now and yesterday I began seeing results with the GI issues. So far, so good!

One of my favorite things to eat rtight now is avocado!! YUMMY! I make guacamole almost every evening and eat it with my favorite corn chips. SO GOOD!! What food do I miss?? Dark chocolate Snikers bars! Ouch! It's tought to say goodbye to those so I think I will allow myself one a month! OR... maybe once every two weeks. Yeah, that sounds more doable! Haha!

Sleep!!

I am not sure if I have written much about my chronic insomnia on here... I have battled this for years. Insomnia, as many of you know, coupled with chronic pain, is just a very bad combination! Trying to manage pain with no sleep is almost pointless.

Well, my dr started me on Trazedone this weekend. Day #1 I slept great but had a killer headache all day. My body is resistant to most sleep aids (prescription and OTC) so since this one actually worked, I wanted to give it another chance. Two days later, I'm rested and headache free!! YAY! I seriously feel like a brand new woman! My pain is still the same but it is worlds easier to get through the day when I am RESTED!

AHHHH, sleep, I love ya. I really do!

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Grief

Does anyone else find themselves going through a sort of grief process with endo?? I'm really missing "the good days," when I made plans with friends and kept my word, when I went to work over 40 hours a week and still had the energy to run and keep my body in perfect shape, having extra money to spend on cute shoes and clothes instead of medical bills, not having to worry about how many pain meds I took yesterday, not being on a constant emotional roller coaster, thus keeping my loved ones on one too, as they walk on eggshells not knowing what's going to bring me to tears... and the list goes on and on and on... chronic illness is not fun. I try to remain hopeful, but today I just don't have it. I miss the good days.

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New Pain Scale!!

Well, I am actually not sure how "new" this is, and honestly one of my least favorite things to be asked at the dr. or hospital is, "describe your pain to me on a scale of one to ten." But on my endo support page someone posted this:

Mankosi Pain Scale

0- pain free

1- very minor annoyance, occasional twinges. No medication needed.

2- minor annoyance, strong twinges. No medication needed.

3- annoying enough to be distracting. Mild pain killers (Motrin, ibuprofen, etc.)

4- can be ignored if you are really involved in your work, but still distracting. Mild pain killers effective for 3-4 hours.

5- cannot be ignored for longer than 30 minutes. Mild pain killers effective for 3-4 hours.

6- cannot be ignored for any length of time. Can still work or participate in social activities with stronger pain killers (Codiene, vicodin, etc.) Effective for 3-4 hours.

7- difficult to concentrate. Interferes with sleep. Still funtioning with effort. Strong pain killers only partially effective.

8- physical activity is limited. Can read or converse with effort. Nausea and dizziness set in as factors of the pain.

9- unable to speak. Crying out, moaning. Near delirium.

10- unconcious. Pain makes you pass out.

I thought this one was really good! Giving it to my doctor!

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UGH!!!

OMG, I just really need to vent right now! I feel like CRAP today! I had a weekend of trying to relieve myself of a week's worth of constipation- now that problem is "fixed," but I barely slept last night and I am in SO MUCH PAIN today, at work, and running out of pain meds. I am STILL waiting on some blood work so I can figure out why I am so damn tired all the time, why my scalp is flaking off, why my skin is so oily it's disgusting!! This is definitely one of those days where endometriosis is kicking my ass and I'm just too tired to fight back. I am trying to find a specialist in my area because I am just not pleased with my doctors currently. This is so stressful!!

Now What??

Well, it seems my gyn has thrown in the towel. She shoved me over to my primary care doctor to discuss pain management, and basically doesn't know what to do next since I refuse to start lupron. I am just so afraid of that stuff!! And what if it works?? Then what am I going to do, have a hysterectomy at 27?! I don't think so!! Don't get me wrong- I don't envy my dr. I know this has been a long road with me. Obviously you run out of ideas at some point but it's just so sad. So now my dr. has me on vicodin, which sucks and usually does nothing for the pain. I hate this. I just needed to vent. :(

Sorry, ICLW!

I didn't do a very good job keeping up this time. I just had a lot of personal and medical stuff going on and got too distracted. :(

Numb

I don't know why, or exactly how to explain, but today I feel numb. I feel completely void of emotions for some reason. My sweet, wonderful boyfriend came over for the afternoon and he was so happy to see me. I feel bad because I think I was happy to see him too, but I couldn't feel it. Maybe it's the pain meds. Maybe it's the pain. I am not quite sure but I just don't feel like me. I guess since my health has been so bad the past few months I feel this way often. And then guilt kicks in. I begin to feel guilty because I am not a good friend, girlfriend, sister, daughter or employee. That's all for now. :/

I <3 Coloring!

I love to whip out the books and crayons when I'm feeling yucky! Try it sometime! :)

Blogger Alias

Well, I do have 2 blogs. One is open and friends and family know about it and follow it. This one is "anonymous." I do this because I write about some of my innermost thoughts, feelings and experiences that I dont share as openly. However, after finding this blogging community of sorts, I am really loving the support, feedback and exchanging of info about the harships of endo, pelvic pain, faith and other difficulties we face as women. I am trying to think of something to name myself. It may sound cheesy but I have seen others do it and I actually think it's kinda cool! Haha. So I am trying to think of something... let me know if you have ideas.

***TMI ALERT*** My recent GI issues. :(

Now, rather than my pelvic pain being all related to my female organs and endo, I have some severe GI issues going on. It has been miserable to go through. Specifically, with constipation. I have had issues with it on and off for about 20 years... I had seen different specialists over the years, and recently had my 2nd lap, which included removal of endo from rectal tissue. Now I am dealing with SEVERE constipation. I spent 3 days in the hospital last week, and I was released last Saturday. There was about 5 lbs of rock hard stool in me and it took them 3 days to get me to pass it. :( Now I am taking Miralax drinks, Senna, stool softeners and fiber supplements. I feel so exhausted because I am having intermittent diarrhea, but the doctors don't want me to let up yet. When I go #2 it is SO PAINFUL even if it's "loose." It sucks- I start shaking and sweating and I have to push forever no matter how much and how soft or hard it is. Sorry for all the yucky details, but I am so embarrassed and IN SO MUCH PAIN. Now the docs don't know if it is more endo or an inflammatory bowel disease such as Chron's. We have to wait a little longer to check because everything is so inflamed. I feel like I'm in hell. :( In the next two weeks or so I will see a GI specialist who will be able to help sort this out. My body is such a mess and now I am constantly obsessing over when I last "went" and when I will "go" again. UGH. I just want to be well again.