Period.

Well, my last period was November 2008. Yesterday I {think} started my period. I've blogged on here before about my struggles with my period. It has been a driving force behind my eating disorder. I know that sounds weird, but once I learned in school that you had to have a certain amount of body fat in order to have periods, my goal was to not have one. When I finally started my period in high school, I thought it meant I was fat {no, I do not think all the women in my life who have periods, are fat}. I would starve myself until my periods went away. Well, I'm doing much better in the food and weight areas of my life, but I must admit that I see an obese version of myself in the mirror since I started my period yesterday. I feel like such a freak.

I am just spotting right now, but the pain I'm experiencing feels like I should be bleeding much more. This pain is absolutely excruciating! I am even more attached to my heating pad than usual, and drinking lots of chamomile and lavendar tea. Last night i would wake up every two hours, which was right as my pain meds would begin to wear off. But even with the pain, I am choosing to embrace my womanhood. At 28 years of age, although I could probably count on two hands how many periods I have had, I need to embrace it. I need to love my body completely. God made me a woman and I choose to be grateful for that. I also strongly believe in mind/body/spirit connection. I cannot loathe my body and the parts/functions that make my body a woman, and expect not to be in pain. So as I experience this, I am staying in prayer and asking the Lord to help me through it.

Well, there's my vulnerability for today. Call me crazy, but this is me. These are my struggles and I choose to gently love myself through them. *Exhale*

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Time

Today I am thankful for time. I know it may sound like a strange thing to be thankful for, but I was talking to my best friend today about this year. Coming to terms with my illness this year has been a major process. It has evolved over time. I went from being so hopeful before my surgery, when I was just certain it would have me healed up and back to normal in no time, to after that feeling defeated and frustrated and pissed off, to denial. I feel as though I have experienced a sort of grief process. I have had to grieve my "old normal,' and learn to define my "new normal." I feel that time as well as the supports in my life, and even my job, which was the driving force behind me having no choice but to come to terms with the fact that my life is just not the same anymore- has given me the opportunity to define my "new normal." Some things I have had trouble accepting are: there may never be a clear cut answer to what's wrong, I may need long term medications for pain management, I am not going to be able to maintain the activity level I once did, it may be some time before I will work full-time, and many more. But I am getting there. I am learning to cope. I am learning not to shut others out when I feel lousy. I am learning that even with my "new normal," I deserve to be loved and cherished, and that I will still find a mate who God will give the ability and desire to partner in this journey with me. I am learning that my struggles can be someone else's blessing if I approach them with grace. As I realize how far I have come in this battle with chronis illness, I smile. I am amazed at what the Lord has and will continue to bring me through. What an incredible journey!

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Beauty

Im admiring my beautiful view of the city today!

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GI Stuff & My Lifestyle Change

***This post contains TMI****

So, now that you have been fairly warned, I will tell you about some good news today.
Part of the reason I am living with this new, quite restrictive food plan, is because of my painful BMs (bowel movements). When I did this food plan before I had lost too much weight and had to quit, but it really improved my quality of life in terms of not wanting to crawl in a hole and die due to the hours of excruciating pain that followed each BM. It was truly a nightmare. Anyway, the good news of today is that I had one this morning and it hurt, but not nearly as bad!! I can't believe it!! Sooo exciting!!

On another good note, I had an appointment with the pain clinic yesterday. I have to say, I was quite nervous. I was nervous about many things: being seen as a "pill seeker," having a provider that didn't seem to care, hear or want to understand what I am going through, etc. Well, none of the above happened!! I am STOKED that the NP I saw there, was super kind, attentive, empathetic, competent, thorough and had a hollistic approach, which is an awesome added plus! We decided on the Lidoderm Patch, Oxycodone (test to see how many I need per day, and then decide if I should try something long-acting-which scares me), and Gabapentin/Neurontin. Soooo, I guess we will see how this new plan goes!!

Wish me luck!

Yoga & Diet Update

So, months ago I purchased, "Yoga Meltdown with Jillian Michaels," on Amazon {which by the way, I am a bit obsessed with the bargains there-click here to buy}. I have always been an athlete and this year it has been really depressing for me as I've become quite sedentary due to the pain. Also, I have always had a great figure. My body has always been lean and toned, and I have been noticing my composition shifting to less tone and more body fat. It has been very difficult! Call me vain, but it's important to me to stay lean and toned and quite honestly it matters to me. Anyway, luckily I'm blessed with great genes {thanks God and Mom!} so laying around hasn't effected me as much as it would some, but ok, I'm rambling... I finally put the dvd in yesterday afternoon and had a FAB-U-LOUS workout! It was great, low impact, and I survived it! I have never been a huge fan of work out videos- they tend to be really cheesy, but this was a good one! I am really excited about this! I am quite sore today, so that on top of the pain, is rough, but sore means progress, so I'll take it *smiles* I am going to do the work out every other day and continue stretching in between. I just really don't want to let my body go completely, and I want to do as much as possible for my personal wellness! Yay for Yoga and yay for self-confidence!

As for the diet, it's going well. A little review... here is what it consists of:

*no gluten/wheat

*no dairy

*no sugar

*limit soy

*no caffiene

*organic meats only

As you can see, this diet is quite intense! It can be difficult to follow without letting myself lose too much weight. I really think I need to stick to it as a new lifestyle since it helped my GI issues so much before, but I can't compromise my health in other ways either. I am trying to eat lots of nuts and avocado since I'm already down 5 pounds {the weight part is tricky for me as I have a hx of anorexia- I have to find a balance of sticking to this but not obsessing}. Anyway, some things I am enjoying are:

*guacamole- I grab a nice ripe avocado and mash it with my favorite fresh, organic salsa. Yum! Then dip with O (organic) blue corn chips. Delish

*Alexia All Natural Oven Fries- you can find them in the O frozen section at the grocery store. I love the garlic, rosemary, olive oil flavor. Since I cant eat bread, I bake the fries and dip them in eeoo and balsamic vinegar. Sooo good! And the olive oil provides some extra calories.


Yay for wellness.

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2 things that made me smile

1. My brand new heating pad!! I use heating pads all the time. I need them at work, at home... always for the pain. My old one was literally falling apart, thus becoming a fire hazard. Ha.

2. This kit I received in the mail. It is for Endometriosis research. I will add the link about it later. It's exciting for me because I want to help find a cure.

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I HEART RESIDENTS!!

WOW, WOW!!

So, I just had a dr appointment today, and can I say again that I LOOOOOVE medical students/residents??! They tend to be so incredibly eager and I love that! Of course, we didn't get to the bottom of what is going on in this lovely body of mine, but she actually asked some critical questions and believe it or not, seemed interested (imagine that!) in what the issue is and why I am barely functioning with all of this pain! It was just encouraging to actually see a provider that is excited about her job and rather than being completely intimidated about my condition, she was interested in helping.

She didn't assume I was looking for pills- she knows I want answers and I want more than anything, to experience and FULL LIFE!! :)

So, anyway, that's my good news of the day. :)